Palm Sunday: The Day I Came Out as Queer

At this time’s reflection is from visitor contributor Flora x. Tang. Flora is a doctoral candidate in theology and peace research on the College of Notre Dame. She is initially from Beijing, China and now lives in South Bend, Indiana.

The liturgical readings for Palm Sunday may be discovered right here.

Six years in the past, in the midst of main a Palm Sunday opening procession from the outside of my church to the altar, I got here out as queer. 

Or a greater approach to put it is perhaps that I made a decision this liturgically-maximalist Palm Sunday procession can be essentially the most becoming feast day that I might select to commemorate yearly as my “popping out anniversary.” With my lips chanting the acquainted Hosana Filio David hymn and my proper hand lazily waving a palm department, I instructed myself—and maybe additionally instructed God— that sure, I’m queer, and that sure, I’m beloved.

For a number of years earlier than popping out, the expertise of coming to phrases with my sexuality was a sluggish and prayerful strategy of introspection and discernment. Not like how films about homosexual folks may painting the expertise of popping out (cue Love, Simon), this was by no means a clear-cut, lightbulb second of realizing my sexuality with quick certainty.

But when realizing that I used to be queer was a complicated and drawn-out course of, the concept of “popping out” was much more so. In each Catholic areas and past, “popping out” as queer appeared much less like verbally declaring my sexuality to all the world as soon as and for all, and extra like utilizing a mixture of hints and refined cues to point my queerness to these I perceived as affirming, and to shielding queer elements of myself away from those that will not be so. Residing as a queer individual means navigating these endless uncertainties and subtleties each day.

This dynamic was maybe why deciding on one of the distinctly wonderful and liturgically extravagant days of the liturgical yr because the day to commemorate my popping out appeared becoming: on Palm Sunday, we learn the gospel of Jesus’ wonderful entrance into Jerusalem and his final loss of life on the cross. On Palm Sunday, we proclaim that God loves us, even to the purpose of God’s personal loss of life. When on Palm Sunday I got here out to myself and to God, I used to be sure—and rested comfortably within the certainty—that God loves me for who I’m as a result of he died for me.

However right now’s gospel studying, which this liturgical yr is from the Gospel of Mark, tells a story the place Jesus—having spent the vast majority of this gospel hiding his identification as Messiah from his group— reveals himself because the Messiah, and is then killed by the Roman authorities due to this scandalous revelation. His “popping out” leads to violence.

As an educational dedicated to nonviolence and peace, this angle has made my relationship with Palm Sunday develop unsure. If all are referred to as to observe Jesus in his life and self-giving loss of life, are we, as queer Catholics, additionally referred to as to a lifetime of struggling, ostracization, and maybe even loss of life as a result of we select to disclose who we’re? Are we, as many Catholic teachings on gender and sexuality have repeated, to “embrace our personal crosses?” Or, are we at all times referred to as, as dominant homosexual narratives within the U.S. recommend, to at all times be keen to return out as queer irrespective of the potential dangers or risks we might face in consequence?

I might like to reply a powerful “NO” to all these questions and inform all who doubt that they’re beloved past query. However the gospel tales of Palm Sunday and Holy Week–and the way folks have been deciphering these gospels for hundreds of years–are tough to supply a easy, clarifying affirmation.

For instance, I nonetheless don’t know why in a world already full of a lot violence, {that a} loving God’s self-revelation and loss of life on the cross marks one of many holiest weeks of our Catholic custom. I profess by religion—but nonetheless don’t actually know—whether or not Jesus’ personal struggling and loss of life is actually one thing we should always at all times emulate. In a world already full of the unjust killing and loss of life of marginalized folks, I have no idea why violence and loss of life are held up on a pedestal of holiness in our religion custom, or why queer Catholics are at all times referred to as to embrace their very own crosses of self-renunciation.

I have no idea, and extra importantly select to not consider, that self-denial and lengthy struggling are the one methods to dwell a lifetime of Christ-like love. I want to pray as a substitute for security, for all times, for companionship, for pleasure, and for flourishing for all my queer and trans siblings. I pray for a world the place queer youngsters don’t die. And I pray for a world the place deaths are mourned fairly than glorified.

I got here out as queer on Palm Sunday due to the Ardour narrative’s resounding proclamation of God’s unceasing love for me, even to the purpose of loss of life. The knowledge of a Jesus who died for me provided me solace in a time when my queer expertise and my queer future have been murky and complicated. I’m not so certain anymore whether or not the picture of an incarnate God-the-Son who died on the cross can proceed to present me and different queer folks hope and luxury in a violent, anti-queer church and world.

However my yearly commemoration of this Palm Sunday-qua-coming out feast day (and all of the queer pleasure in my very own life that adopted that day six years in the past) offers me a motive to proceed attempting, and proceed hoping.

—Flora x. Tang, March 24, 2024

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